two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
