I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
