dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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