I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
