careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
