you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
