Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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