You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
