ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
