Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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