So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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