Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
thus making me awesome and them whores
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
