I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize