i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
