I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
