she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
