Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
