I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
