The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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