I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
