he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I would fuck him just for his dog
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
