The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
