Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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