I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize