you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
