she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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