About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
