Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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