You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have aggressive nipples.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize