I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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