I hate all girls vehemently.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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