i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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