I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
