I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
