the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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