I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
