It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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