My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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