So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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