So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
