I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
