Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
