i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
