I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
