I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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