Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am available for nakedness
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
