she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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