I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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