im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
