I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
