fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize