guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
