Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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