I will die if light touches me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
