I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
