You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
