my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
