I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
