no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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