Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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