My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
