Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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